Bonus Day, Then Tragedy: Our Greens Are Closed for the Winter

P1110218On Thursday afternoon, Bob G., Peter A., Paul, and I played a bonus round in fog that gradually got worse. We saw Jack, Mike J., and Mrs. Mike on the seventh hole (see photo below), but other than that we had the course to ourselves.

Mrs. Mike practically holed this bunker shot.

Mrs. Mike almost holed this bunker shot. The air in Beijing looked almost exactly like this when I was there.

While we played, some guys with heavy construction equipment were working in front of the clubhouse. The widow of a member had wanted to do something nice for the club, which her husband loved, so she hired an architect to redesign the entire main parking area, which was a mess, and then paid for the construction, tree work, landscaping, and so on. Needless to say, she will be receiving a complete set of Sunday Morning Group branded merchandise for her personal use.

The new parking area, under construction.

The new parking area, under construction.

Gary, our superintendent, told us he was going to pull the flags after our regular game on Sunday, but then we got “wintry mix” on Friday night and he had to close the greens first thing Saturday morning. Tim, Austin, and I played on Saturday anyway, using the temps. We played cross-country, making up the holes as we went along. We each carried just one club. Because Tim had played nine holes by himself, in the rain, on Friday, he gets solo credit for the last official round of 2013.

Tim & Austin, playing from the No. 6 temp to the No. 4 temp, Saturday, December 7.

Tim & Austin, playing from the No. 6 temp to the No. 4 temp, Saturday, December 7.

December 7, in addition to being the first day of the 2013 post-season season and the seventy-second anniversary of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor, was my dog’s fourth birthday. Happy birthday, Henry.

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Hacker (Real Name) Invents Great New Golf Game While Asleep

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Recently, I wrote that I’d had an extremely rare dream-within-a-dream, about the rules of golf. Reading about my dream made my friend Hacker (shown above) recall that he, too, had recently dreamt about golf, and that in his dream he had invented a new kind of scramble. (In a scramble, all the players on each team drive on each hole, then choose the best drive and play their second shots from there, then choose the best second shot and play their third shots from there, and so on, until the ball is holed out.) In Hacker’s dream version, each four-man team had to count two balls on each hole. As he explained the rules to me: “All four drive. Pick two balls. Assign two players to play each ball until holed out. Score both balls. No handicap.”

Tim (left) and Paul, Sunday scramble, Atlantic City, October 20, 2013.

Tim (left) and Paul, Sunday-afternoon scramble, Atlantic City, October 20, 2013.

In Hacker’s dream, the purpose of this game was “to screw Tim” (another of our friends, who invented our game Perfect Skins “to screw Gilllen”). But it’s a great idea, no matter whom it screws, and we’re going to try it next fall, during the Crystal Anniversary of our annual golf trip to Atlantic City, if not before. Hacker’s dream format is especially attractive because it prevents a team from depending too heavily on any one player.

I love scrambles, and I’ve put some thought into what my ideal scramble team would look like, in any format. The first thing I want is a guy who can drive the ball really long and really straight. On my dream team, that will be me—but not the me who usually hangs out at my club. The me I want is the me who hits all my provisional drives, after I’ve pumped my first drive out of bounds. The provisional me never fails to find the middle of the fairway, and he is scary, scary long.

Next, I want someone who pures his approach shots, so that we can be sure of getting at least one ball close on every hole. That player will be me, too, but not the same me who’s so awesome with a driver. The me I want for approach shots is the me who, during my regular rounds, hits all my lay-ups. The lay-up me hits nothing but smooth, high draws, and he’s a club and a half longer than the me who hits my tee shots on par 3s.

Pitching, chipping, and bunker play usually don’t count for much in a scramble, because with multiple tries at every approach shot you seldom get into serious trouble, and when you do get into trouble you have multiple chances to get out. Still, it’s important to have at least one guy on the team who’s really good at sticking it tight from fifty yards and in. On my dream team, that will be me—but not the provisional me, the lay-up me, or the regular me. For the short stuff, we’re going to need the me who handles my up-and-downs when I’m playing by myself. That me has the softest hands you ever saw. He can knock it dead from any lie—with backspin!—as long as nobody’s watching.

The truly crucial skill in a scramble is putting. The secret weapon on my dream team will be a guy who is probably the best putter I’ve ever played with: me. In a weekend tournament at my club several years ago, every participant had a floating mulligan, which could be used on any shot. I forgot about mine until I got to the sixteenth green, where I faced a tricky ten-footer. I told myself that that I didn’t have to make the putt, because I’d have a second chance if I missed—and the ball went in. And I never even got to use my do-over, because just knowing I had it enabled me to one-putt the next two greens, too, from about as far away. “Leave your putters in your bags, boys,” the mulligan me will say. With a guy like that on the team, how can we do anything but win?

Ben and Shep, final hole, Sunday-afternoon scramble, Atlantic City, October 20, 2013.

Ben and Shep, final-hole gallery, Sunday-afternoon scramble, Atlantic City, October 20, 2013.

Dressing for Golf in Cold Weather

P1100899-001I’m working on a Golf Digest story about dressing for cold-weather golf. Tim, Hacker (real name), and I did some research on Sunday (see photo above). The temperature (21 degrees) equaled the wind speed (21 miles per hour), yielding a windchill factor of -459.67. Among the keys to staying warm was layering. Here are the five layers that Tim wore above his waist:

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There were so many leaves blowing across the greens that trying to clear the line of a putt was usually pointless. Tim said he wished that Edwin Watts or Golfsmith or someone would sell a Tee Gun, like a nail gun, for driving tees into frozen ground:

Tee Gun (artist's conception).

Porter + Cable tee gun (artist’s conception).

Here’s Tim struggling to get a tee in the ground on the eighteenth hole (note the howling of the wind):

Afterwards, we warmed up over cheeseburgers at one of our several winter clubhouses, the G.W. Tavern:

P1100910-001The day before, I’d done some preliminary cold-weather research in New Haven, at the Harvard-Yale football game. It has become traditional, apparently, for residents of Yale’s Saybrook College to take off their shirts for a little while toward the end of the game—a ritual known as the Saybrook Strip. As in most of the schemes that men cook up for getting women to take off their clothes, virtually all of the clothes that were taken off were taken off by men:

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My father was a Saybrook man. As far as I know, this ritual did not exist in his day. He and I did have a Game-related ritual of our own, however. We had a standing five-dollar bet, which the loser paid off in ways that did the winner no good. In 1983, when Harvard won, 16-7, he paid me with a check embedded in a block of Lucite:

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If the Sunday Morning Group used the same payment method, I wouldn’t have been the big loser this past weekend. None of the cash you see in the photo below is moving toward me:

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Nevertheless, it was a perfect day for golf, and you can never be sure how many of those we have left.

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What Does It Mean If You Dream About the Rules of Golf?

One of the Sunday Morning Group's many playoff formats: wrong-handed throw over the fence from the first tee to the practice green. Corey (throwing), Rick, Nick, Stan. Notice that Stan is practicing--a possible rules violation. October, 2012.

One of the Sunday Morning Group’s many playoff formats: wrong-handed overhand throw over the fence from the first tee to the practice green. Corey (throwing), Rick, Nick, Stan. Notice that Stan is practicing–a possible rules violation. October, 2012.

When my friend Roz’s daughter, Nina, was quite young, she asked Roz where babies come from. Roz explained (within reason), and Nina, astonished, said, “I feel like I’m dweaming!”

Recently, I myself had an interesting dweam, although it was about golf: I was either playing in or attending a tournament of some kind—or maybe I was a caddie. One of the competitors made a succession of poor chips and putts, and his ball ended up in a clump of tall grass next to a tee marker. Another player—or maybe it was the first player’s caddie—attempted to extricate the ball by swatting at it with a driver. The attempt failed, and a rules official said that the player was now required to make “a throw”—that is, to pick up his ball and throw it into a better lie, or onto the green, at a penalty of a stroke.

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I said that I had read the rule book from cover to cover several times (a lie), yet didn’t remember anything about “throwing.” My friend Rick (see photo at the top of this post) and Jim Nantz (the television announcer), who were both there, for some reason, assured me that the official was correct. Nantz did acknowledge that the rule book referred to throws by a different name, which I’ve now forgotten, but that it was all explained in a book called The Begnin’ Throw, although he said I’d be unlikely to find a copy because it was “the rarest of all golf books.” (Even in the dweam, I didn’t know what “Begnin'” means.) I thought, Wow—this will make a great Golf Digest article! But then, after a few other things happened, I woke up.

Doug, examining the result of his own lousy throe, while Nick practices.

Doug, examining the result of his own lousy throw, while Nick practices.

When I woke up, I was in the house of a member of our Enemy Club who died several years ago, in his early forties, and I was crushed when I realized that all that stuff about throwing hadn’t been real and that, therefore, I wouldn’t be able to write an article about it. Meanwhile, I was involved in an important match, and at some point I accidentally interfered with my opponent’s putt by leaving a pair of nail scissors on a green. Then I woke up againthis time in my own actual bed—and realized that the throwing part had been a super-rare dweam-within-a-dweam, a first for me. (Most of my golf dweams are just about me playing an ordinary round on my home course. I once told my friend Jim, “You’d think that I could at least dream about playing someplace exotic, like St. Andrews or Pebble Beach,” and Jim said, “Yeah. After all, it’s free.”)

Anyway, upon reflection, I’ve decided that throwing might have a place in golf, and not just in S.M.G. playoffs. Some guys I know occasionally allow “a throw a side” as a handicap alternative: instead of receiving strokes, you are allowed to throw your ball out of trouble once per nine holes, at no penalty. In one memorable instance, a player won a match by using his throw to sink a six-foot putt. He reached over his head, fell forward, and slam-dunked his ball into the hole. Similarly, a throw might have been a better choice here:

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Did My Friends See a Gray Wolf on Our Golf Course?

P1100847A lot happened at home while I was in Ireland. For one thing, it snowed, and—as you can see in the photo above, which I took in a shady spot in front of the first tee—not all the snow had melted by the time we played on Thursday afternoon. Luckily, the forecast for the weekend is more Irish-sounding: no precipitation to speak of, and highs in the upper fifties.

Wolf food, fourth hole, November 14, 2013.

Wolf appetizers, fourth hole, November 14, 2013.

A second thing that happened while I was out of the country is that several of the guys saw a wolf on our golf course. Hacker (real name) saw it first, and Corey, Gary, Chic, and a couple of other guys saw it, too, They watched it walk from the ninth tee to the far side of the first fairway, and a little later they heard it howl in the woods. We have lots of coyotes around here, and everyone knows what they look and sound like, so they’re positive it wasn’t one of those. We also have lots of dogs (ditto). Wolves have been making their way into New England from Canada in recent years, attracted primarily by our burgeoning population of Lyme-disease-bearing white-tailed deer. The wolves are welcome to all the deer, as far as I’m concerned, although I hope they will continue to spare the almost entirely white piebald fawn that my wife and I have been watching in our yard since mid-summer:

IMG_2040On the golf course, my friends and I have also seen foxes and bears, and I once watched a bobcat circling a flock of nervously gobbling wild turkeys in the middle of the driving range. Nature red in tooth and claw, etc. Talking about the wolf this afternoon made someone suggest that we play a game we often talk about playing but can never quite remember the rules of: Wolf. But we couldn’t quite remember the rules, and we had six guys, so we played 30-Ball instead.

Austin an Corey, fifteenth hole.

Austin and Corey, fifteenth hole.

We played kind of slowly, even considering that there were six of us—almost three and a half hours—and it was getting genuinely dark by the time we finished. In just six more weeks, though, the days will begin getting longer again, and once that happens spring will be practically around the corner.

4:30 p.m. EDT. Bummer.

4:30 p.m. EDT. Bummer.

Extra-Handicap-Stroke-for-Shorts Rule Now in Effect

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The Sunday Morning Group gives an extra handicap stroke to anyone who wears shorts after November 1. My first grandchild—Alice Calbraith O’Keefe, shown above—was born November 2, just in time to qualify, assuming diapers count. The first Sunday in November was very cold and very windy, but several guys took advantage of the rule, including Fritz, on the left in the photo below.

P1100176The red plastic cup contains beer from one of our two new Kegerators. Hacker (real name) has planned a Kegerator-emptying party for this coming weekend. Guests welcome.

While S.M.G. was in session last weekend, eight of us were busy defeating our No. 2 Enemy Club in our annual two-day home-and-home match. My partner on Sunday was Corey, our pro, shown below, who did not wear shorts. (The matches were played at scratch, so there was nothing to gain.) Corey’s fiance is from Thailand. Before moving to the United States, last month, she had never felt weather colder than 58 degrees. She’s still playing golf, though, unlike some people I could mention. And we give two extra strokes for shorts after December 1.P1100178

A Ghost Course in Southern New Jersey

The Great Trial, Blue Heron Pines East, October, 2003.

The Great Trial, Blue Heron Pines East, October, 2003.

On the morning of the second day of the Sunday Morning Group’s fourth annual autumn golf trip to Atlantic City, in 2003, Hacker (real name) gave everyone printed driving directions to Blue Heron Pines East, the course we were scheduled to play that day, but then drove himself and Harry, his navigator, to a course called Harbor Pines, which we weren’t playing until the next day and which was twenty-five minutes from Blue Heron. We had to shuffle the tee times while we waited for them to realize they’d screwed up. Then, after the round, we held a trial in the clubhouse—there were several lawyers on the trip—and sentenced the two of them to buy everybody’s lunch. Harry never fully understood why he was being forced to pay for so many bacon cheeseburgers, but everyone else, including Hacker, thought the whole thing was pretty funny.

That's Hacker in the middle and Harry on the right. Harry claimed later that he'd been represented by incompetent counsel.

The reading of the charges. That’s Hacker in the middle and Harry on the right. Harry claimed later that he’d been represented by incompetent counsel.

Blue Heron Pines East, which was designed by Steve Smyers, was one of our favorite golf courses, but in 2007 a real-estate developer bought it, and announced a plan to build an enormous condominium complex right on top of most of the holes. A year later, the global economic implosion helped to kill the condominium project, but the golf course remained closed and was allowed to revert to New Jersey. Earlier this month, during this year’s S.M.G. trip, Hacker and I drove over to have a look at the ruins, after playing a round at what used to be called Blue Heron Pines West. (It was designed by our close personal friend Stephen Kay and is still doing business, as Ron Jaworski’s Blue Heron Pines). Here’s what used to be the sign at the entrance of the East course:

P1100102And here’s the old driving range and part of the old parking lot:

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And here’s the ramp leading down into what used to be the cart barn:

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And here, through the opening in the trees, is what was once the fairway of the first hole, a really nice short, uphill par 4. The green was on the rise in front of that bank of trees in the distance:

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And here’s the patio outside the clubhouse. We held the trial on the other side of those double doors, in what was then the grillroom:

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And here’s another view of the clubhouse, and of what used to be the entrance of the golf shop:

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We learned during this year’s trip that the property has a new owner, who just received approval for a new condominium plan. That means, I guess, that people aren’t suddenly going to come to their senses and give us back our golf course. We like the surviving course a lot, but it would be nice to have both. And if the condominiums really do get built we won’t even be able to explore the remains.

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A few years ago, for The New Yorker, I wrote about another ghost course, on an island in the Outer Hebrides, in northwestern Scotland. You can read about that lost golf course here.

Flat Pete Goes on a Golf Trip

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Peter P., a regular member of the Sunday Morning Group, was in a car accident back in August. He’s finally out of the hospital, but he isn’t walking again yet, much less playing golf, so we had to improvise in order to take him on our annual autumn trip to Atlantic City. We made a two-dimensional version of him, called Flat Pete, because we figured that in that form he would be easier to pack and lug around. The photo below shows him from the side. Notice how his eyes seem to follow you around the room:

IMG_2845Flat Pete was made possible by Reese, who not only printed him on the fancy color plotter in his office but also put himself at tremendous personal risk by inhaling clouds of spray adhesive during assembly. Flat Pete is so eerily realistic that my dog went crazy when I brought him up to my office after cutting him out in the basement. He rode down in my car, with Hacker (real name) and Gene. Here he is with Hacker, in Hacker’s driveway, when we were loading up to go:

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And here he is in the parking lot of the first golf course we played in A.C. That’s me on the left and Gene on the right. All three of us are wearing hats that Hacker had had custom-made for the trip, at a place called Fat City:

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Flat Pete made a better impression on bartenders than the rest of us usually do, even though he brought his own beer. He was also the only guy on the trip who didn’t snore.

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And he won fifteen bucks playing golf—which is better than Mike A. did. Here he is in a golf cart with Other Gene:

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Anyway, it was nice to have him along, and we’re all hoping that next year, or the year after that, he’ll be able to make it in person:

Les, Peter P., Tim, Basilicos Ristorante, Sea Isle City, NJ, October, 2013.

Les, Peter P., Tim, Basilicos Ristorante, Sea Isle City, NJ, October, 2013.

Golf-Hating Masochist Builds House on Golf Course

Most people who live on golf courses play golf, or like golf. This for-sale sign faces the course, not the street. The "lake front" it mentions is a swimming-pool-size water hazard. In other words, it's a dream house.

Most people who live on golf courses play golf, or, at the very least, like golf. This for-sale sign faces the course, not the street, because the real-estate agent knows that golfers are the people most likely to be interested in buying a house with a view of a fairway. The “lake front” mentioned down at the bottom of the sign refers to a water hazard the size of a swimming pool. In other words, this is a golfer’s dream house.

The Sunday Morning Group has just returned from its annual end-of-season golf trip to Atlantic City. We had a terrific time (and I’ll have more to say about the trip over the next couple of weeks). Two of the three courses we played had houses or condos along some of the fairways. People who live next to golf holes do so at least partly because they love golf—or so you would think. The guy whose property is shown in the photos below apparently does it to keep himself in a constant state of agitated fury.

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The brush fence shown in the photo above runs along the guy’s rear property line, and, lest anyone think those branches fell from the trees in neat piles and straight lines, he added no-trespassing signs, fence posts reinforced with rebar, nylon rope, out-of-bounds stakes, and a red line painted on part of the cart path where the asphalt apparently encroaches a few inches into his yard:

The red line painted on the edge of the cart path in the lower left-hand corner of the photo, just below the nylon rope, runs along the edge of the property. Did the owner hire a surveyor to  determine the exact location of the line?

The red line painted on the edge of the cart path in the lower left-hand corner of the photo, just under the nylon rope, runs along the edge of the property. Did the owner hire a surveyor to determine an exact location for the line?

The creation of this barrier was not the work of a single afternoon.

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The owner also installed a bench and a fire pit near the brush fence, perhaps so that he can keep golfers under personal surveillance and incinerate balls that land inside the barrier.

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Last spring, I played a couple of rounds at Formby Golf Club, in England. A rich guy whose house backs up to the seventeenth tee had installed close-circuit video cameras on tall poles at the edge of his property, to keep an eye on the golfers. Wouldn’t it be easier to live somewhere else? Or maybe some people just enjoy feeling pissed-off all the time. The signs below are more in line with my own thinking.

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How Autumn Leaves are Deposited on New England Golf Courses

If you don’t live around here, you may not be familiar with the process shown in the video above. The leaves are imported from China, or someplace, and the wind does most of the work. The colors are nice. P1090888 I shot the video on Monday at our Enemy Club No. 2, where I played with Hacker (real name) and Paul. We have a big team match coming up there in early November, and Hacker and I were studying the greens. Paul joined us because he had nothing better to do. We played 10-Ball with a Snake add-on.

Hacker, seventh green, Enemy Club No. 2.

Hacker, seventh hole, Enemy Club No. 2.

The course is my second favorite nine-holer in our part of the state—after our home course, naturally. It was built on the former estate of some rich guy, and it has lots of old apple trees, which are left to look after themselves. P1090894 Whenever I play there in the fall, I cram apples into my golf bag. They taste a million times better than any of the apples in a grocery store. In fact, I hate apples, except for these.

I had a little trouble zipping this back up.

I had a little trouble zipping this back up.

There were very few other people on the course—a surprise, given how nice the day was. We saw a guy on the practice green who said he was trying to become a less crappy putter.

I think the thing on his left arm may be a practice gadget, too.

I think the thing on his left arm may be a practice gadget, too.

And we saw a kid who, apparently, had invented a game that’s even more complicated than the stuff that Hacker and Tim come up with. P1090930